lesson 2

Girls Teen Class – Spring 2008
Lesson 2

Do you have one person in your life that you can share anything and everything with? One, who, when spending time with him/her, you lose all track of time because you are so absorbed in talking with him/her?

How do we develop these close intimate friendships? The primary ingredient for any relationship to develop from a casual acquaintance into a close, intimate friendship is a step we must choose to take. Once the foundation of a friendship is formed and a certain level of trust exists, we must allow ourselves to grow increasingly transparent by revealing more about ourselves over time. In a sense, you test the waters. You don’t suddenly jump in, totally unveil yourself and say, “Here I am; take me or leave me.” Rather, bit-by-bit we reveal ourselves to them and vice versa. As you share your inner thoughts and feelings, if what you say is accepted, you take another step and them another. Intimacy in friendship is a process.

While being transparent is important, sometimes people make the mistake of revealing too much too fast. I mean, how would you feel if I came to you and unloaded all my most intimate problems and worries on you in one conversation? One, you would probably be exhausted. Two, I’m not close enough to any of you to do that. So, wouldn’t our relationship be a little lopsided?

Wouldn’t you feel the need to be a counselor rather than a friend? Do you have friendships like this now? Don’t they just wear you out?

On rare occasions, you might develop a close relationship with someone in a short amount of time. There’s just a chemistry and something clicks. More often than not, though, these friendships take time to develop. Just as a friendship requires quality time together, the quantity of time together counts as well. You need to see each other with some degree of regularity because without consistent contact you can find yourself sharing only superficial news when you do meet. While surface talk is important, if all your time is spent catching up on the details of like then that leaves little time for sharing nitty-gritty feelings. I feel this way with most of you. It’s “how is school?” ; “cute shoes” ; etc. I don’t know any of you well enough to say “so, how is your family life?” or even “how is your spiritual life?”. I mean would you feel comfortable asking me these things. You’re probably going to ask me how Charlie is doing, right? The bigger question is would you feel comfortable asking each other these things?

We could probably be satisfied with knowing a lot about a person, but for a truly intimate friendship, we need to go to that soul-searching level of knowledge. The place that requires self-revelation of our real thoughts and feelings. This is a hard level to reach and it takes lots of work, persistence, and patience.

However, reaching this level with someone and being transparent requires you to take a risk. When we reveal ourselves as we truly are there is the chance we will be rejected because of what we say and, consequently, we may be hurt by that rejection. We stop ourselves from being transparent because we think “if they know how I really feel, they possibly won’t like me or love me.” We hold our thoughts inside when we question a friend’s loyalty and trust. Do you have friends that you hold back with because you feel you can’t trust them? I have friends that I don’t tell private things with because I’m afraid that she will blab and the whole world will know. That’s a friend that I will never have a deep intimate relationship with because I can’t trust her. That doesn’t mean I stop loving her or associating with her. We just have a different type of friendship.

I’ve been hurt by friendships. I’m sure all of you have at some point. In those cases, you just have to forgive, move on, and pray that God will give you better judgment next time and lead you to people you can trust.

If you’re a Christian, one comfort in these times is that your self-image doesn’t rest on one person rejecting or accepting you. Rather, our self-image – our security – is in Christ. The fact that He created us, loves us and values us and that these facts will never change – now that’s security. We can also trust that God will help us move beyond our pain if we look to Him. Even good friends have misunderstandings and experience pain. We must learn to trust God with all our emotions, knowing that then we do get hurt He is big enough to heal us. We are all going to be hurt at some point – it goes with the territory. If you take the risk of caring, you take the risk of being hurt. But God can heal the hurt and enable us to forgive and move on.

You have so much to gain, though, when you take the risk of being transparent. I wouldn’t want all my relationships to only exist on a superficial level. We can choose to avoid risk and rejection but the price is often a lonely and empty life. Can you imagine your life without your closest friends?

It takes courage to risk and to trust – especially when you’ve been hurt a few times. But I don’t believe God intended for us to shirk back from this simply because we’re scared of being hurt. He commands us to bear each other’s burdens. Let’s read Galatians 6 : 1-5:

1Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. 2Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. 3If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. 4Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, 5for each one should carry his own load.
Well, how can you carry each other’s burdens unless you are close enough to that person to know what those burdens are?

God created us with an innate desire for relationships so that we could give expression to the love we feel. Do you have one person whom you can pour out your heart to? If not, then make this a priority in your life. Ask God to show you why you don’t have that one special friend. Are you not willing to be transparent? Are you not giving enough time to take that friendship to that next level? Are you not willing to give-and-take?

Even if by nature you are very reserved and quiet, there will most likely be one person who can pull you out of your shell. With the right person, each of us has the ability to be transparent. What we need is confidence that if our eyes and hearts are open, God will bring the right people into our lives.